my Bday Girl..............!!!! *****

Time flies fast while you decide whether to fly along or stay back watching its flight. I flew until my wings were wrapped in ‘circumstances’. I stayed back until I could break open times’s prison and fly free. All way long I had wished. I have a younger sister -my alter ego, my mirror. She would think like I think, Speak like I speak. But she wouldn’t speak what I speak. Her words would be like whispers stolen from the storm, an oasis from the desert, a tear from the stubborn soul, a balm for the bleeding bruises, a smile from the weeping bride… 








I would invest all my emotions, energy and efficiency on her. Sometimes, even getting berserk not being able to figure out why she lagged behind others, despite her potential. And at others, I would get overjoyed and mad with pride over her little accomplishments, over the compliments that people gave her


      

I would tell her all my secrets, until they were no more secrets- unlocking the huge chest of guilt locked up in my chest. I would share with her my life’s experiences. I would tell them in stories- sometimes true, sometimes made up.
She would be so curiously confused, constantly pestering me.

 
She is obsessed  with the glamour she sees in the world, running after fans and followers, popularity and pals. “Likes” and “Comments” have begun to shape her opinion about herself.  I had her promise me, to hon-our just one opinion in life- that of Conscience. But even conscience seems conditional these times!


My thoughts can no longer accommodate her ‘big ideas’.
Her large frames seem incomplete with my tiny paintings of her… Hence, I resist sharing my thoughts with her. I hide away my purple diary so that I donot disturb  with my superfluous advises, terrible thoughts… I no more pen down.

I had held her hand, not letting her to walk on her own. I have to stop before I cripple her by choice, by obsession. I have to stop being a possessive, zealous and hyper  

My Thoughts have departed. I wait to depart someday.

How big have you grown girl! How well, how wise have you evolved!!
Here again, Happy birthday from the proud sister of the lovely..love to have u .....




 

under the sky !!

certain things had decided to fall into place and certain things decided to make me fall…a certain some decided to give me  a tough fight…and a certain some gave me their indifference…

d rain and the drops first time ever and it had made me feel its soggy presence…with all the muddy thoughts and murky moments breaking into my never easy mind… wet emotions hanging onto my eyelids…all too heavy to stay and all to shy to dribble down…

I had firmed up my dream and had prepared myself to live it…believe it…

But then i feel…

…Good byes are not forever… & Good byes are not the end… They simply mean… I will miss you… Until we meet again…

 So I shook off the droplets and prepared myself to say good bye..

It had been quite a while that we had shared a meal together..certain things had taken their toll on us…a lot of cob webs had grown in…making us see each other….but then somehow be far apart…

We might have forgotten to share a hearty laugh…but we never forgot to share the moments that made our hearts moan… And may be that was something which kept us together… always running parallel to each other like railway tracks…

All the possible things under the sun were discussed..perhaps all the possible things under the moon…or the sky or the clouds..ooorrrr Whatever!!..

But it still wasn’t the end…

It was raining… she wanted to get wet…and me too…

As we set out  splashing in the apartment compound…

Just a glance at each other..and we knew an Umbrella walk would be the best walk ever!!..

She had two umbrellas…we got them..and set out undeterred by the rain….

As the rain poured on..the conversation poured in tooo… 22/12/’12... her birthday…and we set out chalking up plans that required all God’s mercy to materialize…. But sometimes its just so reveling to put up picture-perfect promises…cook up castles in air…even when you know..

But sometimes just being promised of peace and hope ushers in so much solace…that even fulfilled promises find hard to…

And all I knew was that..she knew...

  and of course a Nokia with a 3.2 Mega pixel camera….. What on earth could stop girls from launching a full fledged photo shoot!!!

We took pictures of each other…less being captured in the cell and more of it into our hearts…. 

We had had our shares of ups and downs…but may be that what gave us the eyes to see through each other..when I was down with darkness all around …I knew I could look up to her and when I would bask in the glory of my accomplished dream…I would know…deep down somewhere she would be happy for me…

fighting their way through the Umbrellas…my feet were puffy and cold….but I didn’t feel wet…

Rather the drizzle had a soothing effect on me…As if it had cleansed me…from the fears that i had clung on to…washed me off from the notions that had been docked in my heart for an year now….

those days when I would soil my white sport shoes jumping into rain filled rivulets running along the road…making yucky faces at the earthworms…..Coming home and promptly lying to Mommy about how there was no space on the road to walk without being wet!!


I let go of myself in the rain… 

Jut having said so… felt indescribably great….we had lost sense of time….    
 
At 10:00 we put an end to our Umbrella walk…  under the  sky !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

December

A very bad topic to write one’s blog but everything is silly with me and this one is a resultant. Sometimes it happens. You feel as if you are the most upset and unwanted creature in this world. I am undergoing the same feeling today. My mind says what i am feeling wrong because i have many people around who care for me and love me a lot. But upset days are very stubborn ones too. I am not listening to my mind. I am dying to listen a sad song and cry for hours and make my eyes red and swell. Wishing to eat hundreds of chocolates and thus turn out all the depressions into calories. It seems as if today is the most saddest day of my life and i am the most miserable person in the planet. Devoid of all happiness, i am surviving lonely. It is funny but true, when you are upset you become more dull. At least i do. 

I still remember the essence of that land and the smell of the soil which I used to mix with water and serve to my toy mates. . I still remember the taste of the “tarkari”, mixed with green chilies, salt and a tint of sugar. The taste used to be just doubled when it were from someone else backyard.

 Still remember my journey from a child to youth in that land of my sweet home with my sister. Still remember each passing stone and each passing memory. I still remember those days and still live them throughout my dreams. Away from my land, I still behold every touch with that land. I still remember and I still remember….the days with you in December Vacations with you lovely !!

morning ritual

Now that the weather is getting warmer, it's time to bust out my Activah and start exercising ,pranayam n yoga !  I went on a bike ride and I'm embarrassed to admit, it was my fav place so ever .    while I have no obligation to post again and am not getting paid to write this, I just wanted to express how much I love this bike!  It's pretty much the only thing that motivates me to exercise.

I'm not a gym person, I need to be active while doing something .Well, honest truth, I feel like I am just getting the hang of it.  As in like a month ago.  It's finally getting a tiny bit easier.  Like there's opposition in all things though, as much as I've been overwhelmed and cried sometimes because it was just too hard, I've felt way more joy and happiness then .  My happiness seems to burst out of my chest and my heart starts beating faster when I think about how grateful .

TREMENDOUSLY BLESSED !

thank you, god, for giving me another year of life,

thank you for all the people who remembered me today, 

by sending watsapps, and messages, mails and FB wishes.

thank you for all the experience of this past year;

for times of success which will always be happown weakness & of my need for you,

for times of joy when the sun was shining, memories,

for times of failure which reminded me of my 

for times of sadness which drove me down.

help me in the days ahead to make this the best year yet,

and through it to bring good credit to myself,

birthdays hold a special prominence in our lives as we multiply our joy with all those who remembered our birthday and brought a smile to our face with their wishes.special moments in life are made even more memorable with the warm birthday wishes of friends, family and colleagues.thank you to everyone who has made my day extra special with your wonderful birthday wishes and goodies. 

i would like to thank each and everyone of you individually but i have received such an outpouring of generosity and love from you all that it would take me a long time to personally thank everyone. i do not want any of you to wait for knowing how much i appreciate your kind thoughts and friendship so i hope you will accept this blog as my thank you note until i can get to each one of you.

i was touched that so many of you took time out of your schedule to send me best wishes.

every year my birthday gets me thinking about the past year of life, what I have accomplished, and what i want the next year to be like. It’s a time for a lot of reflection and celebration. this year i am incredibly grateful for everything I have experienced. It’s been a tremendous year of growth for me to move on in life ..

Thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday ! each greeting really meant a lot to me and absolutely made my day. i don't even know if i can individually reply them all since there are so many specially on my fb wall lol. Thanks to internet for making remembering people's birthday and sending a greeting much easier! i'll make it a point to check birthday celebrators on facebook everyday and to save them on my calendar. Hehehehehe!

and the most lovely part is one of best friend had planned a surprise gift, and another most important part is it was delievered when i was in Office working time....and the funny part is after the delievery all my collegues get to know ..its my birth day ..then they planned to celebrate again !!! thanks for the surprise ..well it was my first time ever as a online delievered surprise birthday tasty cake ..no one till yet ordered for me !! 

thank you for time and effort just to find the best birthday gift for me and making it such a great surprise. It really suits my personality. i loved it! thank you! 

those lovely yesterdays..

one year back when i joined this place, i was numb, unsure of what was coming to me.  strangers, i tried to befriend with everyone around. everyone started building their own view points towards me. some thought i was too dumb, few thought i was too smart, few took me as too friendly and few gave me the title of too silent.

a variety of characteristics was put into me and surprisingly everything lying in the extremes. with the passage of time, i kept getting new names, titles and my list of characteristics kept on increasing. sometimes i was a kid and sometimes the granny, at times the silent lass and at times the furious girl.

today, when i look back i wonder how come i allowed each emotion of mine to flow in this place. i was supposed to maintain a professional distance with everyone but did i really? i lost regarding this pathetically. i end up being friend with everyone and emotionally attached to each one..damn me!

these people are not just colleagues, actually they have never been my colleagues. at this point of time, when i am busy collecting my last few moments in the city, i managed a little time to share my space with each one. you might be at times bored and at times annoyed but blame the person and not me. 

unlike college and university hostel days are silent and absolutely silent. i don’t know whether i became cranky or it’s just busy lifestyle. i was not the most popular ones in college or university but definitely among the most loved ones. i used to sit, chat and chat and chat. time hardly meant anything for us unless it was during exams. we can talk, dance and talk and dance on any topic and on any music. the silence of present day evenings might be due to lack of friends or times. not that i didn’t try making friends here but it just didn’t happen. so, I miss those talkative yesterdays’ evenings and long nights that i used to spend with my dearest friends and roomies.

i still remember my first day with my first mobile phone and days after with same and different mobile phones. i used to talk with friends till my phone becomes as hot as to burn my ears. i used to message and reply even in sleep. my mom used to call every day and my friends used to call every hour. today, i keep my phone aside in the morning and it stays numb till the evening. no phone calls and no messages, no watsapp, no facebook  except few pings . last call logs include phone numbers of mom, bank guys, ecommerce guys, naukri guys but unfortunately not a single friend. i don’t blame them, how can I, as the dial logs are even worse. so, i also miss those yesterdays’ fun chat times over the phone with friends, friends and some more friends. some of my friends are with God also ...

when i look back i miss those yesterdays. people say past and future always seems to be beautiful. i don’t say my yesterdays were ‘no complaints’ days. there were both good and bad days but when I look at my life today, i miss many things from my yesterdays. and when i say many, i really mean many. just trying to frame the missing parts of my yesterdays in my today through this post........

fire that burned me alive

did you ever love somebody where he lost his identity?

forgot who he was, you were his only identity?
did you just sit there and watch him burn, while you lit
the fire?
it was you who lit the fire,
it is what happens when you love someone more than
life,
you just expect a fire, but no burn,
it is what just happened,
it was the fire that kept love alive, it was yet another fire
that burned me alive.

Once in a Blue moon !!

one thing that i have always heard people say is ,how difficult it is to say ‘No’. many people mention it as a personal weakness and many  can’t keep up with saying No where they said Yes. i have seen it becomes even difficult for women for they think, “What will people think of me?”, “How will the other person feel about it?”, “What if she gets upset with my response” and such unnecessary doubts.

i am not just talking about work but also about our personal choices. saying ‘No’ to marriage, ‘No’ to kids or may be saying ‘No’ to sex? It’s not as easy as it may sound. sometimes, i feel it is hard to draw that line where we do things out of love and respect vs. things that we do to just please others. i am sure you must have heard people say “My parents wanted me to get married and settle down”. “My husband wanted me to change my job” .”My daughter wanted me to wear a skirt today”. sometimes, we all need to understand whether our actions are based on love, respect or to keep people happy and relationships infact.

it is not at all wrong to give in to choices of others and the intent  to  you from showing your love the way it works for you. the idea is to understand your own self and give your heart and mind a break from what people will think and say about you. my belief is that those who love you will always understand when you say No. And a No never means that the love is on a downward spiral. it means that you want to do what is best for you at that point in time.

never underestimate the pressure and stress you go through when you do something that you did not want to do in the first place. always know that doing something which had your whole-hearted effort is much better than doing something just cos you were asked to do it. A No can always be communicated in the right manner and be rest assured you wouldn’t disappoint any body.

so, whether you are at work, at home, shopping or walking, try saying No when you want to say No. be assertive in your response and learn to lead a life on your terms. it may be okay with some and it may upset a few but that should sound reasonable when they know that a yes or no is not directed to people, it is a direction to self.

it’s easier said than done but trust me, i am also trying this one. :) and ofcourse hardly and strongly i did once to you ..it was dat blue moon in my life ..i never forget.

...:) your jyoti..

Beginning of Life !!

this title looks a little strong, right?

i know what you are thinking but trust me, i am not asking you to be self-centered. i am asking you women to think about your self and be aware of what you want. do you remember the last time you did something that interests you? do you remember the last time you went out with your loved one to spend some time that was exclusive to you both? do you remember the last time you did not worry about who will do the dishes or who will cook meals if your help calls in sick?............this is for you mom..have u really think of you !!


women around me are always busy, always thinking of every big and little thing except about themselves..... they are okay to miss their own breakfast but don’t forget to pack their husbands..... they skip their morning walk but don’t forget to wake the rest of the family up.... . ...  and i ask why?


here is what i strongly believe – if i am not happy with my current state, i wonot be able to keep my loved ones happy. i will remain annoyed and cranky, i will have a hard time understanding others in my life. if i am not healthy, how will I take care of those who I love. if i am not working towards my career goals, how will i encourage others to do so. i believe, it all begins with me.


the flight safety instructions also recommend that a mother should wear her mask first and then help her child. so, stop being sacrificing to that last morsel on the plate, keep yourself fit, think of your career and your personal goals, your purpose in life and do what keeps you alive as a person and strive to find joy in yourself. yes, your family needs you but not more than you need yourself......................


though today i felt i m lil selfish ...but i strongly believe ..i have to just bcoz i love you all ...taking care of you is as simple as taking care of me.. to make you smile ,, i have to smile first ..this is what putting mask is so tuff one day...but neither start nor end ..its just beginning of life ...miles to go...jyoti..win me over, take me out..!!

Dark Knight Pearl..

Life gives us choices and oppurtunities ..!! If we dnt grab them at the  right time ,,we may not get the chances again.. !!! we may not get the second chance to make your first impression then !!

We all are in race , competing to win !! but , in the process,,we make choices and listening to the wrong voices ..  now how do you / i know what is wrong and what is right ..?? It is really different from person- to- person depending upon their vision and requirement ..right ?? is not it ??

Nothing with self interest ..den ..to achieve them we ignore the rest of world ..?? when the realization drawns, its usually too late !! but ,, wishes  have no ending ...

For what you have no time ?? if someone willing to devote whole life ..??  for what you dnt wanna do ...someone praying for an oppurtunity to do the best ...??

All the riches and profits become meaningless when u already lost your loved one !! in a second ..the whole world just revolved and left you  mid in a crowd ..no doubt we suffer for a lost face ..for a life time and ever ........... i surprised to discover that untold unseen thots ......

and now i have the complete story .........which i got to know.. wt really is ...
but the story is ovio different quiet different.......trust me different ..its another time to share soon...

but, yes it flashed like Dark Knight Pearl...
we have the power to ensure the Dark Knight Pearl ..which spark like anything for a nice haapy ending ...........

d poured drops ..

there is much to say, and there is so little lost in translation. yet, you and me hanker for that little. the part of you I do not get, and the part of me you do not need. 

i have  been thinking a great deal of conversion, of what it really means to change a life around, purify yourself, and come to the God of sacrifice. many times in my life, i have had reason to doubt myself, my conviction, and most especially my capacity to be saved.

it was a morning, in my home town. I haven’t written much on this blog the last couple of months for the simple reason that it has barely rained.in fact, we have summer now.

writing about rain feels awesome. there was of walking in rain, this blog, multiple rain , to walk in rain  and a new jump in rain . thats a lot of writing about rain. i donot think there is anywhere else i can take it or it can take me.
i was sitting in my window seat watching rain and thinking of the drops it pours on my palm and then suddenly made me move to the roof,, and thot of typing . . i was not into rain these days, my final days. about the only time i can enjoy some joyful expression from her is when the sun shines .

frankly, i can’t believe she is still alive after nearly  her birthday . her rally has impressed me and i simply take it day-to-day with her fragile existence. caring for her these past couple of months has taught me a few things about myself. I like the lessons.

my sense is that I will stop writing about rain when she dies. naturally, i will continue to advocate for rain, but its  in my literary life will fade and perhaps disappear altogether. 

we all want the wrong things. we all desperately want something we can never get. we are all born in the wrong time. we all fall for the wrong lover. we all eat the wrong food. we all say the wrong things. to put it , our existence is mostly all wrong.

funny things have been happening in my world. or perhaps it is better to say that the world - my world - has taken on a funny hue all of its own. it changes faster than Ii can make up my mind. and yet - strangely - it is supposed to be my world. but the funniest part of all this is that I cannot seem to stop laughing at it. sometimes i feel like the joker, with the permanent smirk on my face. and if you are anywhere close to knowing this shines of the Dark Knight, you'll know that it cannot be a good feeling.

i cannot quite put a finger on what is it that is so funny. but let me try. suddenly friends are drying up. people with whom one day, one shared soggy, wet tit-bits of one's  life have found better things to do. or perhaps they have just grown off me as if i was a childhood doll that they used to play with. how does that make me feel? much like woody I'd say. even this would have been tolerable, if people had not become rude - maybe they are just busy i tell myself or maybe they all got secretly married (both are not exactly the same thing, even if you wish they were). but busier than me? seriously! even I do not have any idea about how busy i am. but it gets even better. childhood  folks i had silently vowed never to confide in or talk a sensible word to - are turning out to be compassionate listeners. How weird is that!

i have developed this amazing ability to forget. forget unpleasant times - unwanted words - unanswered questions - unexpected rudeness - uncried tears. strange and unsettling, this new found power is. gives me a like sense of calm. calm. i am starting to fear it now - perhaps something in me goes to sleep every time i forget something. or perhaps something goes quiet. it is not funny when i cannot recall what made you upset last night or when was the last time i cried. it is scary when i cannot recall when was the last time we had a fight or when was the last time i had a laugh. Hmmm... perhaps i am being melodramatic here.  That would be funny too. 

i am almost done now. with this one at least. perhaps with the next one too. i have one request though. When it is over, please laugh...this is what you rain poured me on my face ..jyoti laugh and laugh... ummha to me and you and only you.

a lot lately

Oh hello, midnight rambling again over here. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life(what's new, right?) and something's just gotta give.  I am barely managing my sanity and keeping myself safe and healthy and it's very overwhelming.  Being a daughter of my mother is my most important job and my biggest passion but my other ambitions and passions overtake that role sometimes and I'm not as attentive to myself as I want to.

Ideally in my perfect world, I would volunteer at both of my sides , have ...

BUT I know that is impossible.  I can't have it all, all at once.  I believe I can have it all one by one over time, but not all at once right now.  It kind of sucks that I can't have it all but that is okay!This is how life is, we just can't have everything we possibly want in our lifetime all at once.  I'm not going to look back on my life on my death bed and wish I had blogged more, , I will look back and ask myself if I've been a good , honest, kind, giving human being.  

So I've decided that something's gotta give and that is to blog .  To possibly make the blog more niche and blog about only certain topics such as things that only have to do with .  I am not certain what will go on and what will not go on the blog, this is so hard for me !   I blog from my heart and blog about whatever I want at that moment but it probably covers way too many things and doesn't have a theme or a focus.  I will still post once in awhile things that are not perfect but beautiful nonetheless about my personal life , life lessons I've learned (I personally love writing about my life lessons even though people don't really care, but I care!), but they will be few like once or twice a month maybe.  I am a little nervous about this change and honestly, I'm not sure if I can adhere to it 100% because I'm a very open and I'm not good at being calculated or strategic so it'll be hard to hold back on posts on blog .   all while I feel like I'm very much me, and open and real. 

I have to still post about the honest side of me because without it, I'd feel like the blog will be too superficial, without much depth or meaning. So I will still complain . The reason why I'm hesitant to make this change is because I am interested in so many things.  I want to blog about what I want but at the same time grow a successful blog that's filled with topics people are interested in reading.

So, I also wanted to get your input and ask you what topics are your favorites to read on my blog?  What are your least favorites, In other words, why do you read my blog?   For my life shots ?  What do you not care for that I write about?   Something else?   If you still read my blog anyway, I feel like blogging is dying and so is my blog.    I blog because I feel like I have a voice and I love sharing bits and pieces of my vulnerability to others.   So I would so appreciate it if you could help me narrow down the topics I'll discuss on the blog!                                                  love you all......

Tossed !!!!!!!!!*******

Today, when I try to put together all the missing pieces I find all those things were meant to happen to make me happy,to push me to greater heights to make my life complete. Those people are my very good friends,my grand mother,my parents,my lost love interest and of course God. Today I have got a very nice career,Very close loving friends, parents who love me unconditionally because of all those things I went through,all the tears I shed.

Patience is the key isnt it? Trusting God,your parents  and you is what you require to get through every odds of your life. There is no point in consistently worrying about everything.what will happen will happen regardless. So breathe.Look on the bright side,have some laughs,accept what you cant change and remember that you have been in this situation before but you survived,so you would do it again. Trust me,you would laugh for having doubted your resilience someday. Ignore the pain,ignore the troubles,ignore the tears. Find yourself,find happiness.

Life's priority,situation and our demand changes huh! But we survive everything. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while,so that we can see life with a clearer view again. However,when you walk through a storm you could not see the golden sky at the end of it and you start to complaint, get impatient, loose trust on God. I used to do the same.

 

However,some incident some people change your life. On this day I am really thankful to all those people who changed my life in a good way and turned me into complete full of patience, woman of substitute an accredited one !!!!

Life is a celebration ryt! Is nt it a key to happiness.

Talking this is plain easy but is nt it  worth trying to do. Living life like you are truly living. Some people exist,thats all.

my Aja !!!

although everyone has two aja i mean grand father ,, i have only one dats from my maternal side . I mean maternal grand father .Well i born n brought up in my dearly  aja home .He is my first teacher not my mom or Dad.As i remember , my first question  after school was what you did today @ School , u made home work or not , why you are not stood first n all .. this was  the memories  from my first to fifth std m sharing here..and i always had no answer to answer to the question why i m not first always ..

and now point is today i always stand first, when n where he needs me .... and its kind of another pleasure .. not able to put it in words.. dis is the way i always wanted to be first .......

A beautiful Thanx !!!

So my resolution to have another party came true.  It was small, yes, but it was delicious.After having lived the life of a professional for a few years between degree programs, I admit I forgot how cool school is when it comes to break time........

anyways , its the time say a thanx to my sweet friends how are still by my side ..love you all , for giving me such support for the when i really bent down..
you are all always be with me..when i need ..  thnx anurag, abhinav, soumya, Vinay,bunty, kiran ,abhilash, amit and finally its you sweety..........love you all ummha