there is much to say, and there is so little lost in translation. yet, you and me hanker for that little. the part of you I do not get, and the part of me you do not need.
i have been thinking a great deal of conversion, of what it really means to change a life around, purify yourself, and come to the God of sacrifice. many times in my life, i have had reason to doubt myself, my conviction, and most especially my capacity to be saved.
it was a morning, in my home town. I haven’t written much on this blog the last couple of months for the simple reason that it has barely rained.in fact, we have summer now.
writing about rain feels awesome. there was of walking in rain, this blog, multiple rain , to walk in rain and a new jump in rain . thats a lot of writing about rain. i donot think there is anywhere else i can take it or it can take me.
i was sitting in my window seat watching rain and thinking of the drops it pours on my palm and then suddenly made me move to the roof,, and thot of typing . . i was not into rain these days, my final days. about the only time i can enjoy some joyful expression from her is when the sun shines .
frankly, i can’t believe she is still alive after nearly her birthday . her rally has impressed me and i simply take it day-to-day with her fragile existence. caring for her these past couple of months has taught me a few things about myself. I like the lessons.
my sense is that I will stop writing about rain when she dies. naturally, i will continue to advocate for rain, but its in my literary life will fade and perhaps disappear altogether.
we all want the wrong things. we all desperately want something we can never get. we are all born in the wrong time. we all fall for the wrong lover. we all eat the wrong food. we all say the wrong things. to put it , our existence is mostly all wrong.
funny things have been happening in my world. or perhaps it is better to say that the world - my world - has taken on a funny hue all of its own. it changes faster than Ii can make up my mind. and yet - strangely - it is supposed to be my world. but the funniest part of all this is that I cannot seem to stop laughing at it. sometimes i feel like the joker, with the permanent smirk on my face. and if you are anywhere close to knowing this shines of the Dark Knight, you'll know that it cannot be a good feeling.
i cannot quite put a finger on what is it that is so funny. but let me try. suddenly friends are drying up. people with whom one day, one shared soggy, wet tit-bits of one's life have found better things to do. or perhaps they have just grown off me as if i was a childhood doll that they used to play with. how does that make me feel? much like woody I'd say. even this would have been tolerable, if people had not become rude - maybe they are just busy i tell myself or maybe they all got secretly married (both are not exactly the same thing, even if you wish they were). but busier than me? seriously! even I do not have any idea about how busy i am. but it gets even better. childhood folks i had silently vowed never to confide in or talk a sensible word to - are turning out to be compassionate listeners. How weird is that!
i have developed this amazing ability to forget. forget unpleasant times - unwanted words - unanswered questions - unexpected rudeness - uncried tears. strange and unsettling, this new found power is. gives me a like sense of calm. calm. i am starting to fear it now - perhaps something in me goes to sleep every time i forget something. or perhaps something goes quiet. it is not funny when i cannot recall what made you upset last night or when was the last time i cried. it is scary when i cannot recall when was the last time we had a fight or when was the last time i had a laugh. Hmmm... perhaps i am being melodramatic here. That would be funny too.
i am almost done now. with this one at least. perhaps with the next one too. i have one request though. When it is over, please laugh...this is what you rain poured me on my face ..jyoti laugh and laugh... ummha to me and you and only you.
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