My Woman of Substance !!

There is a change afoot. A little vein of gold ore has rippled through our lives and altered the status quo, brightening everything in its path. It is a change amid many changes and, as I am wont to do, I have tried to place it perfectly. To make it fit without changing anything else. To order things as I think they might be pleasing to everyone. Myself included.

 
But Life isn’t like that. The Universe doesn’t filter blessings through a funnel and into the only space they might fit. The Universe doesn’t see the order and go to the back of the line. No, the Universe drizzles blessings over a life in a dizzy, sort of haphazard and celebratory fashion. Our only job is to turn the umbrella upside down and collect as many drops as possible.
And in some ways–

 



Well, in a lot of ways. I feel like I put my needs in front of  MOM’ her whole lives. . That’s my knee jerk self-narrative. That I’ve been a taker and not a giver. But when I really study my life for the past nine years, I think that’s actually not the case at all. For seven years I have sacrificed anything I might call my own—gladly and willingly—to be of service to these . To right my wrongs. To be the port in the storm. To be the calm amid . And it was a choice I made one hundred percent peacefully. It was a pure pleasure to be of use. To be of service.

I devoted my life to myself as well. My own heart. My own soul. And in many ways, my own pain. I sat many nights in the dark untangling my own secret shames. Going back to where it broke and healing it properly. I said to a friend once that I feel like everywhere I look there are broken pieces. She rephrased my words more kindly, “Only frayed edges,” she said. “and you can simply tie them back together.”

My life was solitary. I did not look like other people’s. It did not look like every holiday special. It did not look like Valentine’s Day commercials. It was not reflected back to me by the media or by Bollywood, Hollywood as any version of success or completeness. But I knew this was right. I knew this was the journey I understood: to be of service. This, the long road. The long way around.
I purged broken dreams. Lost paths. Comparative thinking. I built up a world that was my definition of success. That was complete to my way of thinking.

Along the way, I hope I was a good friend. Undoubtedly I am a good friend of my Mother. And I hope I am faithful. I think I am. I kept my head down and worked to be patient. I was determined to be a channel of peace. I worked to meet chaos with gentleness in so many places and I think I succeeded as much as I didn’t at that. But I wanted so much, and it was so clear to me, that I should try to clear out confusion and make a little light.

But, these blessings. Drip drop. They came when I wasn’t looking.
Here and there. A little of this. A little of that. A blink. A smile. A wish.
Drip, drip, drop. 

I said to Mamma  the other day, “Is this okay? Is this weird? Are we okay in this new space? On the doorstep of this new thing?”

She unfolded herself from her bed and came over and gave me a hug, that day !!

“Mom,”  i said. “You have given your life to us. There isn’t a time I remember where you took anything for yourself. Not food. Not money. Not clothes. Not time.”


She said, “Look…I had to force you to promise me the other day that you would use that much  on yourself and not me and Will!” And we laughed for a little bit at that. Then her expression sobered again.

“Mom,” she said again. “It’s time. It’s time for you to take something for yourself. Something that is just for you. It’s okay–we’re okay–because of you.”
And so.

 And so we are. And so I will .. !!

 

 Narrative Daughter !! :)