a vow of silence

I believe in it. Or maybe I should say that I am open to it.

I know that when I start thinking about somebody, I am either going to run into them or get a phone call from them. It's been like that my whole life. I've tried to manifest this experience, but forcing it never works. It happens when it happens, totally autonomously from what I want.

I don't know. I like the idea of living in a world where magic exists...but I've never really been privy to it.  I'm keeping my mind open and my curiosity intact. I am not a game player. It puts me at a disadvantage. Especially when it comes to dating. With my friends, it's a different bag. I am not counted out for being honest about who I am or what I want - but when it comes to dating and romantic stuff.Is there some rule book that I didn't get? Because it feels like there's this rigid framework in place that I totally have not been clued into.

It's not a big deal. It doesn't make me sad or angry...more like confused and uncertain.

So many dudes talk about how difficult women are, how they can't get laid, they can't get a girlfriend or even a date...well, I'm here to tell you that it's not limited to men. Women deal with the same stuff. We're just quiet about it.e don't write blog posts about it (well, maybe a few) or put it out there in the pop culture medium (well, a few do - to their credit). I think finding a partner - or, Hell, just someone to go see a movie with - is difficult all the way around. For everyone.

But it's the game playing that kills me. I just can't do it.

There's this whole weird thing where you're supposed to pretend like you're not interested in someone so that they work really hard to get your attention.I swear to God - literally text you non-stop a whole, one-sided conversation that you never once have to reply to and by the end of it he's like begging you to go out with him. But if you make the mistake of even once replying back during his frenzy...then he immediately stops texting you.

Game over.I like you. You like me. Seems like a really simple concept, right?

Wrong.

Makes me want to get myself to a nunnery. At least you're safe from all the bullshit there.

Because God doesn't text.

living is a blessing ####

Sometimes you just have days like that. I did some work - hated everything I did and have already started re-writing it - and tried to spend some time with my lady friends

I blame my horoscope entirely. It predicted I would be impotent and unable to express myself.

didn't stay in bed all day like I planned. I got up, took a shower, brushed my teeth...well, you get the picture. Now I'm sitting here writing. I'm supposed to be writing book stuff, but instead I am writing this blog while I listen to Billy Bragg and Wilco doing 'California Stars'.

Being creative for a living is a blessing, but sometimes - like today - I look at the guy sitting next to me and wish I was the one holding a little box of tools, that I went from job to job, fixing things, having a finite time to my work, so that when I was done for the day, I was done.

I am never done. I am always at work.

I used to feel terribly guilty whenever I goofed off - I SHOULD BE WORKING! - but this has subsided some as I've gotten older and realized that work is not everything. Work does not define me (yes, it does) and it's okay to have a life (no, it's not).

You can't write things, act things, make things...if all you do is work. You have to experience life. You have to laugh like an idiot, you have to sob like your soul is pouring out your eyes, you have to listen to the silence and revel in the noise...all of this is integral to creating.

I forget this sometimes. I get caught up in the work.

Alcohol (in moderation), good friends, food, music, movies, books...these are the things that remind me work is not everything. Life is fleeting. It is here and then gone so quickly we are idiots if we don't enjoy at least a little bit of it.

Tomorrow I will think about staying in bed all day. I will maybe luxuriate in being under my brown comforter that leaks feathers. I will maybe stay in my PJ's until it gets dark outside.

Today I am working. I swear it.

I am working, JUST TO FORGET WHAT I REALLY ONE !!! #LOVINGYOU ## LOVINGME

--## baby step with my life .......

Yes. I am back on my track.
But no. I am not back.
And my most recent ride pretty much proved that... 


 i have been on some rides with family, some rides on my own, and some rides with a few select friends, here and there. My confidence is very high in terms of being able to keep up with others, and the climbs that I once sought out eagerly now seem to mock me, so I've been hesitant to go on group rides. 

I have been trying to build up gradually. But with all that's been going on over the last few months, my return has been sporadic. my effort is constant as known.. life sticks everywhere.. was a walk in the park.

 time away for any reason, is that we remember what we used to do. And for me the memory is fresh and refreshing me every time. Normally at this time of year, I've already done a few thousands of roads covered..

 I've lost a lot of core and leg strength and it's just going to take time to get that back. I totally get that...#me and only me ..this time dear all..

I tore up any plans I had for this year and am really just taking things one ride at a time. Every ride for me is a new milestone. The clock is definitely ignored. It's just about having fun ... in the sun - well it had be nice to have some sun again, but so far it's just been wishful thinking! ............

Since you left me .........

sometimes feel very lonely. I’ve even thought that I suffer from depression. Alas, my loneliness doesn’t last very long and neither do the feelings of doom and gloom. Usually, I am back to my chipper and ambitious self in 24 hours.

 

Just last night, I felt incredibly lonely

I broke down. I cried as if a piece of me was missing. I felt a void. I knew I had to lift myself out of that state.

 

I took a shower and released my loneliness with ugly tears. When dry and more at ease, I sought inspiration. Whether it’s in a book, writing in my journal, or speaking to a friend, I also need words of encouragement to get me out of a funk.

 

I shoveled what little food I could eat into my mouth, crawled into her bed and slept the entire day. Weeks later, I rapid cycled into a fit of mania and engaged in self-destructive behavior. We all have our vices. Mine just happens to be . I planned to spend the rest of my life with, the people I considered my best friend.. . Nothing mattered anymore.

I also began to isolate myself. in my bedroom, watching movies . I watched them repeatedly every single day and cried with Helen and Mary Anne. I got lost in my writing for days. I no longer wanted to share my feelings with my friends or hear their advice and concerns, so I ignored them. But they didn’t give up. They called and text relentlessly. My friends and some other women I met via an online support group were my support system. They looked beyond my flaws and were there on those days when I was unable to function.

One thing I learned through this journey is that people suffering with bipolar disorder feel emotions at an extreme level. My doctor explained that when we feel happiness or sadness it is on a scale that most people will never experience. This is both good and bad for obvious reasons.  I wanted to stalk the social media; instead I chose to block . I can’t focus on things that have come to pass. I have to focus on my future and staying healthy.but just the three words !!!!!!!!