lane ..from diwali..

So I have been here.  Well,  i needed some time. 

 i needed to process some things.  and really .. Let's be honest.  it was one thing...

all that crime was mine , why i crossed my limit .... with their love and affection, calls from that side ..two three times may be four may be five times made me mad... i forgot that i mean nothing to them ,i am noway bloodily attached with them , so that they left me so fast  , just one girl..for a few days.. i forgot, they are no way my family..

may be that love from that side was so much ,that i forget myself ,my  limitation....But, still tell me one thing if they were really loving me enough ,, then how can they forget me so easily .. how can they are leaving so part from me.. anyways .. it happened .

But, the thing is whatever i am today, not  only blessings from my family ... but that family tooo. all, from my side that family too equally taken that responsibility for me... all the credit equally divided !!!! and its true.. from my inner words.

Well , what ever i am today because of her ... what lil feminine nature i have , because.... i cant say ..how she mean to me..! she taught me the tiny tiny things as if my mom..and truly my mom with my feminine nature no way involved..! 

You know .. she taught me how to sweep.. how to eat ..how to laundry.. and even how to cut onions  too. how to comb.. ..she always loved me to look good.. how to cook... and for me she is still my ideal..and she scolded when i made mistakes...

 And He is the person wanted to see me every morning, when i was there, wants  a massage.. he he,the pleasure for him... and i loved to do all, he told me to.. a single word for me from him is the most caring part ,,,, all i am missing them a lot .. that family ..     due to some problems may be their may be mine... from my family side.. we two stopped talking not even a single call ..neither from this side nor from  that side ..nor from them .not a single call .....but i will never blame them ,, because she had given me that effort when i was alone . when i was hungry enough she put cakes in my plates..

but today .. all i want to listen their voice .. that jyoti ..do this ,,do that ... hows you .. no call today ..and bla blah..!! missing them a lot today all i want their blessings always with me..! in every step of my life !
And yet?  I processed the whole thing fairly quickly.  i think I started to look back and realize that what i am  and I had lost sight of who we were they.  we were two different family ,  people and we knew that when we got together, but we were in love and in those early stages you ignore things that would otherwise turn you off.... i think over the years those little things became bigger things and those bigger things  are tiny matters.  .  In the end, our great communication was the beginning of the end.  Ignoring things doesn't make them go away, it only makes them worse.

Now, there is more to this whole story and I'm sure I'll share it as time goes on, but for now I want to make a promise to myself that I am going to live my life honestly.  i am going to do everything , but also...for myself.  i deserve to be happy and i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.  i shouldn't have to compromise who i am or what i value in order to be with anyone.  i think my 20s were a learning experience for me, and while I wouldn't trade it for the world, i am ready for my 30s.  i am ready to see what doors and windows have opened.  i am ready to starting living my life true to myself.  i am ready for the next great thing.So hang on,,,, I am sure if you have followed my story long enough you know that   i  have had  my  ups and downs, but eventually there comes a time when you have to face reality..i had been living in denial for a long time.

  i do not know that i ever wanted to know the struggles or unhappiness in my life because i am a pretty happy, optimistic  and facing that reality meant facing a lot of negative emotions.  What I did not realize is that i had been living on an unknown place , so long that it had become normal for me to feel .  it was not healthy.  in fact, i had even gone so far as to go back on a few months back.   well , its been 10 years to this day,on one diwali .i heartily attached with a family.. unknown family ...totally different .. a complete ,loving caring family ...that family where i feel so saved .. that family where i got my dad'' back....through someone who loved me a lot .. a lot ..really today i cant put it in word .. how he used to love me ..how she used to put me in her arms.. and  i too ....... the only most loving part....

and telling  you that because of that , because of that consequence.. we two family stopped talking.. .  So yes, I had to process my emotions.  I was sad, mad, angry, resentful, and about a million other things, but I think the hardest pill to swallow was the fact that I felt like I had be judged. That I was now going to be just another statistic. 

 That....that was hard for me.  I normally don't care what people think, but this, this was on a personal level.